0. Presentation

Alfonso Aguilo

"Character and success in your life"
100 stories and reflections on the personal improvement

Translation by Manuel Hernandez Pujadas: manueljmj@wanadoo.es

 

ALFONSO AGUILÓ PASTRANA was born in Madrid in 1959. He has a graduation in civil engineering and y PADE of IESE, but he abandoned quickly the exercise of that profession to be dedicated to diverse works of educational ant formative nature. Since 1991 he is vice President of the European Institute of Studies of the Education (EISE) and y since 2007 President of Asociación Madrileña de Empresas Privadas de Enseñanza (AMEPE) and member of "Junta Directiva Nacional de la Confederación Española de Centros de Enseñanza (CECE)". He has published more than two hundred articles in diverse magazines and specialized publications, as well as ten books on themes of education and anthropology:  "Your son from 10 to 12 years", "To educate the character", "Questions around the faith", "The tolerance", "Character and personal value", "To educate the feelings", "25 present-day questions about the faith", "Is it reasonable to be a believer?" and "The God's call".  In 1999 he created in the internet the site www.interrogantes.net and since 2002 he is Director of Tajamar. 

(1) interrogantes = questions

 

Many people do large investments of time, energy and money to expand each time more their own knowledge and to improve their own personal abilities.  Nevertheless, most of the times those people present later serious lacks in which refers to the education of their own character: pessimism, indecision, disorder, insecurity, dependence of the states of spirit, difficulty to work in team or to relate to the others, or other defects in their way to be that suppose an important ballast, not only for their worth as professionals but also for their happiness and their fulfillment as persons.
The character of a person is, very often, what marks the ceiling of his possibilities in the professional area and in his family or friendship relations. Most of the times, what lacks us is not more know-how, titles or languages, but a better relation with the others, to dominate the states of spirit, to learn to organize us, to manage to be cordial and optimistic, to understand better the alien and the own problems, to cultivate more what gives light and sense to our life and so on. Almost everyone senses that he would have to improve in many of those aspects, but few know how to achieve it.  Through stories, examples and anecdotes of the everyday life, in these pages there are reflections on how to accede to that change: a change that passes for changing ourselves and in many cases by changing before our perception of the problems. 

 

Summary

I. Character and personal improvement

1.  The force of the education
2.  Seeing in others our defects
3. To become adult
4.  The force of the expectation
5.  Intelligence guided intelligently
6.  Intelligent reactions
7.  Happiness and money
8.  The attraction of the virtue and of the goodness
9.  The risk of the slowness
10.  Sense of humor

II. To rely on the others

11.  Personal interdependency
12.  Playing in team
13.  The abyss of the solitude
14.  To allow the others to convince us
15.  The reasons of the others
16.  The forms are important
17.  Way of explaining and brains
18.  Spontaneity, to where? 
19.  Having conversation

III. Be centered in the others

20.  The exaltation of the ego
21.  Believing in the others
22.  Fear to the interference
23.  Corresponding
24.  The little glass in the eye
25.  People interested in the others
26.  To give energy to the others
27.  The true love
28.  The false compassion

IV. Liberty, ideals, commitment

29.  The ideals of the youth
30.  To feel interpellated
31.  Question of habits
32.  The impatience of the men
33.  The moral solitude 
34.  Simple solutions
35.  Human models
36.  The shadows and the fears
37.  Religion and moral education
38.  Respect to the sacred

V. Character, autonomy and authority

39.  Latent decisions
40.  Authority and authoritarianism
41.  The theory of the germs
42.  An exterior impulse
43.  Learning to say"no"
44.  Independence and education
45.  Closed minds
46.  The judgment of the children
47.  Self-control and coherence
48.  The problem of being a fool
49.  The great men

VI. Overcoming the difficulty

50.  The miracle of the perseverance
51.  The test of the pain
52.  The blows of the life
53.  The interior liberty to elect
54.  Intelligent memory
55.  Successes and failures
56.  Be recovered
57.  The pain of the others
58.  Defending the rights of the others 
59.  The human will

VII. Constancy and tenacity

60.  The man that planted trees
61.  Tenacity
62.  The passiveness
63.  Expectations of failure
64.  To escape to the past or to the future
65.  Investing in the future
66.  Willfulness
67.  Illnesses of the will
68.  Living better with less
69.  Austerity and temperance
70.  The mirror of the desires

VIII. The risk of the addiction

71.  The myth of Sísifo
72.  Inadvertent addictions
73.  The lion and the gazelle
74.  The avoidability of the disaster
75.  Addictions and love
76.  Love and liberty

IX. The risk of feeling oneself a victim

77.  The inner dialogue
78.  The spiral of the complaint
79.  The comfort of the rout
80.  The rhetoric of the self-considered victims
81.  The temptation of the innocence
82.  The sound barrier

X. Pride and egocentrism

83.  Arrogance I? 
84.  Escaping from oneself
85.  The spiral of the grudge
86.  The sense of fault
87.  The risk of the self-deception
88.  The control of the wrath
89.  The satisfaction of the desires
90.  A new code

XI. Reflection and renewal

91.  Resistance to be renewed
92.  The power of the language
93.  The sorrow of reading
94.  Capacity of admiration
95.  Coherence and proximity
96.  To take risk to loose
97.  A head well furnished
98.  The true culture
99.  Eagerness to learn
100.  The tacit knowledge

I. Character and personal improvement

1.  The force of the education
2.  Seeing in others our defects
3. To become adult
4.  The force of the expectation
5.  Intelligence guided intelligently
6.  Intelligent reactions
7.  Happiness and money
8.  The attraction of the virtue and of the goodness
9.  The risk of the slowness
10.  Sense of humor

1.  The force of the education

"The mister of the flies" is a magnificent novel of William Golding.  It relates the history of about thirty English boys that are the only survivors of a plane crash.  They have to organize their life alone in a small deserted island, without the aid of adults.  Grouped around two leaders, Ralph and Jack, quick they verify that to live together is not a simple task.  The first conflicts appear, difficult to resolve in that situation, and finally the violence explodes, that flows into an open war among them, with tragic consequences. 

The history of the difficult coexistence of these shipwrecked youths is sprinkled of multitude of details that show the fundamental importance of that learning and those values that the man has accumulated during centuries and that he transmits from one generation to another by means of the education.  Opposite to other more ingenuous visions on the kindness of the children, Golding shows the wickedness that nests in the human heart, and points out that the only possibility of rescue of the man should come him from outside.  Without aid, without education, the man is found very defenseless in front of the push of his bad tendencies. It is certain that he seeks naturally the goodness, but it is also certain that his nature is injured and that it needs many cares to function correctly. 

Any person with a little experience of the life knows what the wickedness of the man is, has seen already many times its ugly face of inhumanity.  Golding unmasks the roussonian simpleness of the natural kindness of the man and its progressive degradation by the radical wickedness of the society and of the culture. And he questions also the arrogant rationalism of the 19th century, that did to many to trust that the economic and scientific progress would bring with itself a moral progress equally fast.  The ones that fed that ideal thought have founded once and for all with the final formula of the efficacy and the welfare, but soon they saw that their optimism was hasty, that the economic and scientific advance does not signify that the men can have better understanding among them, neither that they improve their mutual respect, neither that they live in peace.  And the fact is that, at the end, even when a lot of economic or scientific progress could be reached, it will never be easy to educate morally to the man. 

The history shows numerous well eloquent testimonies of to where can the wickedness of the man arrive.  Not even in his blackest nights could the man dream up to what point was he going to degrade and to devalue.  But perhaps he neither knew how much force remains hidden in his interior to conquer dangers and to surpass tests. 

Every man, to be good, or to be maintained in good, needs aid in order to yield those latent talents that he possesses. It is certain that at the end is always the own liberty the one that has the last word, but it would be quite ingenuous to undervalue the enormous influence that the education has.  Therefore, to educate well the children in the family, to the students in the school or in the university, or any another task related to the education of the new generations should be considered as one of the pledges of more significance and responsibility in any society that really thinks in its future. 

To transmit the scientific or economic progress is relatively easy, but to transmit the moral progresses will always be difficult, since they require personal assimilation and practical employment.  As it has been written by Leonardo Polo, "without habits there is not education, only there is illustration".  It is indispensable, therefore, the personal effort by acquiring those habits.  And that will turn out to be costly always, in any place or epoch.  It is a personal progress that lasts the entire life and of which depends to a large extent the success in the way we live. 

2.  To see in others our defects

A professor related it, of those that observe and that reflect.  The protagonist of the anecdote is a eight years old boy that was agitated in crying and defiance while his mother struggled to introduce him in the school bus.  With the aid of a discreet and politically incorrect spank, finally she got he entered in.  Once the boy was inside, something calmer, he was asked by the professor for the motive of his annoyance.  After some excuses, Guillermo -thus he was called- explained that his mother had not bought him the calendar of chocolate that he wanted, but another, in his opinion worse one. In front of his angry demand, looking that his mother went to change the calendar, she had the good sense to refuse his petition, and that was the reason of the anger of him. 

The professor tried to show to him that this was typical of a capricious boy, but Guillermo refused to accept it.  Suddenly, he had an inspiration:  "Then.., you want to be like Dudley, and that your mom treats you as the aunt Petunia?".  The boy opened the eyes a lot, he remained quiet an instant, as imagining something, and later his answer sounded high and forceful:  "¡No! ¡Never!". 

Any reader of Harry Potter will have understood immediately the reaction of Guillermo.  Nobody resulted more repulsive than the capricious cousin Dudley and nobody as unpleasant as his parents.  In the books of Harry Potter barely any direct moral recommendations are done, but the capricious and spoiled boys are unpleasant, and the envious and cruel ones turn out to be unpleasant and odious.  Harry Potter and their friends are wanted, they are respected, they study (more or less), and they get annoyed but they use to forgive between them.  The large Weasley family is nice and welcoming, and carries the narrowness without too many tragedies; they are the counterpoint of the odious family with which Guillermo wanted to have nothing to do. 

This anecdote is a good example of how there are occasions in which the best to notify the need to change oneself is to see our defects incarnate in another person.  Those defects, dispossessed of the indulgence with which we see them in ourselves, become for us much more alive, rougher, more unpleasant.  Contemplated with the objectivity that gives to see the things from outside, they seem us less logical, less excusable. 

To discover with clarity in ourselves something unpleasant is one of the large motors of the personal improvement.  The positive models have the force of the "I want to be like", but the negative models can also enclose a very important positive potentiality.  The aforesaid "I do not want to be like", expressed with firmness in front of  the alive image of the own defects reflected in another person, results at times the more efficient repulsive. 

We are so used to live together with the bad thing, small or large, that exists in us, that it is easy that we no longer be too much surprised of it.  Our defects have been born of small concessions to the selfishness, to the laziness, to the arrogance or to any vice like that.  By doing habitual those concessions, the defects are consolidated, they become chronic, and little by little our sensibility is put out and also our refusal in front of their objective ugliness.  That is why we need that something or someone awakes us of that lethargy.  If we do it, and if we have, besides, the necessary value to look at those defects face to face, and to call them for his name, already we will have traveled through the most difficult part of the road to conquer them.  That is why, the aid of someone from outside who makes us to see us loyally what we do not do well is one of the better signs of friendship and of affection that exist; and the receptiveness in the presence of  that aid, one of the better examples of intelligence and of sensibleness. 

All we have a notable and sharp insight facing the alien defects.  They are emphasized in front of our eyes with a scandalous clarity.  We would be able to advance a lot if each time that we observe in another person a defect we thought if also we have it, in greater or smaller degree.  To Guillermo, that mental exercise was very sound. 

3.  To become adult

And then an event of considerable importance happened to Emily.  Suddenly Emily realized who she was.  There was not clear motives to understand why it didn't had happened five years before or five years later; and it was neither easy to know why occurred to her exactly that afternoon. 

Each time that she moved an arm or a leg, this simple movement produced to her an impression of amusing surprise, observing the speed of her members obeying her orders.  The memory told her that always they had obeyed her, but she had never realized the surprising thing that it resulted. 

Each consideration came to her mind as a flash and without words.  When she was convinced of the amazing fact that she was "she", she began to calculate the reach that that discovery could have.  In the first place, why was owed that, among as much people as it could have been, she was exactly this specific person, Emily Bas-Thornton, born such year such among every year of every time, and inserted in this determined wrapping of meat?  Had she chosen that, or had God done it?

In second place, why had she not noticed this before?  She had lived in this way a lot of years and never before had she thought in it.  She had the same sensation that an individual that recalled suddenly at eleven o'clock at night, seated in her chair, that she had accepted an invitation to have a dinner that night.  How should I have been seated all the afternoon without being disturbed at all by any small worry?  How had she been able to pass so many years without noticing a so evident fact? 

The reflections of this protagonist of a novel of Richard Hughes bring to our consideration an important and interesting reality: each one of us is an unrepeatable human being, and we have a mission to comply, something that nobody can do for us, and besides in it is the key of our success in the life. 

It is not a matter of becoming visionaries neither in Quixotes of a strange mission; and is also certain that we can be happy of many ways; but we should not elude for laziness or selfishness those personal challenges that the life arises to each one of us.  To discover and to accept this is a sample of the true wake up to the adult stage. 

Many discover it in the adolescence, but others barely come to understand it never.  They are victims of a species of syndrome of Peter Pan by which their mind resists to become adult.  It costs to them to take the reins of their life.  It would be told that they see the dividing line that separates the youthfulness of the mature age -a line that seems to them a trench of unfathomable depth- and they seek some ford or bridge to cross it, after prowling it during months or years, but they not decide themselves to leave it behind in a bound.  The sad thing is that there is no delay to them in regretting the days of their youth and the way in which they have squandered them. 

All this is manifested with clarity in the immaturity of some married couples, which result not in a project between two adult and conscious human beings, but -as Susanna Tamaro has written- the flight to a dream of two children. 

Perhaps the education has a lot to see in this.  The fear to require in the parents; or that not to notify that the small infidelity of now conducts to the flagrant injustice of tomorrow; even not to speaking about the consequences, surely by fear to be accused of being a jinx; or not to stimulate the personal effort, in order not to disturb.  All those errors, if they aren't taken in time, they conduct to a sad and unconscious extension of the infancy, one of the large tragedies of our time, and that always finishes in a bitter awakening. 

4.  The force of the expectation

It was during the course 1968-69, in a school of California.  The Doctor Robert Rosenthal closed its briefcase and addressed himself to a group of professors that listened to him with attention:  "The results of the tests carried out do not leave place to doubts.  I am in conditions to assure you that this 20 per 100 of students that I have indicated to you have some intellectual abilities above normal".  The professors took good note of all that and they returned to their habitual work.  Eight months later, the final qualifications threw a forceful result: the performance of that group of theoretically more intelligent students was notoriously above the remainder. 

The anecdote, and its conclusion, seems obvious.  But there is a small detail:  Rosenthal had elected that 20 per 100 of students at random. 

The experiment of this professor of Harvard is enough known in the world of the education.  What had improved the performance of those students were not their natural aptitudes, but the high expectations of their professors and the greater attention that -perhaps unconsciously- all had dedicated to them.  At the same time, the own students, conscious that it was expected more from them, had strived more. 

The way in which we relate to the others, be students, children or collaborators, conditions enormously their personal performance.  The mere fact to know that someone expects a lot of us, and that trusts in that we will be capable of obtaining something -although they were capacities for which we are not really very endowed-, supposes a large stimulus and adds an energy that carries us to obtain superior goals. 

When one trusts in the people's potential of development, that relation transmits confidence and security, generates a special motivation to surpass obstacles and to succeed.  "Treat a person as he seems that is and will continue being like has always been.  Treat he as he can reach and he will become", said Goethe.  Against that is the easy resource to go to the sure thing, to count with the ones in which we have always counted, with probed results tested, attending above all the security and avoiding the complication that supposes the new task of discovering people, or of discovering new talents in the people that we already know.  That attitude can be due to the laziness, to the distrust or to the skepticism, but the consequences are almost always the frustration of numerous potentialities in the people. 

The image that each one has of him is, to a large extent, a reflection of what the others see in him.  Therefore, the expectations that we put in a person can be enough to change a lot that person, improving or getting worse his personal motivation.  Therefore one must distrust a little ours "teaching intuition", that at times boasts of premonitions or impressions of the type of "I know how a person is at first sight" or "I already see since the first moment who is worthy and who not" or other hurried judgments in which we attribute to a small data or to a hunch the value of a sentence, that later often it fulfils, not by our intuition but by the force of the prejudice. 

To help truly to the others one must learn to value to the people.  We are more transparent than we think, and therefore does not suffice with the strategy of simulate some expectations, but one must change his mind to see with better eyes to the others.  Because if a person tends to value in little to the others, he will tend to treat them with little consideration, to think badly of them, to speak badly of them and, at the end, to hamper that they develop the talent they have. 

5.  Intelligence guided intelligently

Generally, the problem of the majority of the people is not their lack resources.  Their main difficulty uses to be that they lack the necessary control on the personal resources that they already possess. 

Let´ s we consider a comparison.  The director of a movie, or of a television report, can obtain very different effects from a same reality that he is filming.  The angle and the movement of the camera, the type of background music and its volume, the color and the quality of the image, and so on, can create in the audience enormously different impressions.  There is a full collection of details that influence a lot in the feelings that a same reality can generate in whom experiences it or presences it. 

Something like this happens with the interior world of any person.  Depending on how the camera is used with which we observe what happens to us, or the music with which we accompany that look, or the dialogues that we establish in our interior, a same objective situation can generate in us very different subjective effects.  It can put us in the screen positive or negative ideas, favorable or unfavorable emotional conditions, encouraging or depressive arguments. 

Although perhaps it is a simplification, it can be told that there are two ways to live.  Or well it is allowed that the mind continues its course spontaneously in front of what ever happens to us, or well we opt for directing consciously our mental activity.  Those two styles correspond, by telling it in a simple way, to two levels of use of the intelligence: the simple intelligence and the intelligence guided intelligently.  The true intelligence -I ask excuses for the redundancy- is the second thing: to establish in our interior the emotional and intellectual styles that we consider better (or more adequate to our situation). 

All we have the experience of how the simple fact turns round a negative thought (whether it is envy, grudge, victimism, exasperated criticism, sadness, etc.) accentuates and amplifies our negative perceptions on the reality in question.  If we continue thus a little time, that interior dialogue finishes us carrying, by its own dynamics, to a situation in which probably the matter remain out of sensible proportion.  To what it is owed?  Without doubt it is owed, in a large extent, to the force of our mental images.  And those mental images were not at first, we have provided them.  We have been constructing a movie in which the image, the music and the dialogues have conducted us to a little real, negative emotional state and that can damage us enough.  Which is the solution?  Come to be the director of that movie, not a simple spectator of it. 

Have you felt some time tormented by an incessant interior dialogue, by one of those situations in which the mind revolves to great velocity and seems almost impossible to stop?  Many times our mind talks to it in a endless way, weighing pros and cons of an unimportant decision, seeking a new argument to give us the reason in an old discussion without importance, or accumulating wrongs on determined person to which perhaps we should treat with more affection and comprehension. 

Do an effort by taking you the command of that voice, of that music and of those images.  Do not let that your head becomes filled of recurrent ideas on your large qualities notified or inadvertent for the others, neither on your large limitations likewise notified or inadvertent for all, neither on the large defects or qualities of the others, what they have done to you or said to you or on what they didn't say. 

Do you speak yourself constantly with a complaining or sad or bitter tone of voice?  Try to do it with a more positive and happier, more cordial tone.  Think also if you speak with a irritated tone of voice or if it is stimulant.  Think if you treat yourself with the affection and the comprehension, and also the demand, with which you should treat any friend to whom you truly appreciate and to whom you want to help to improve. 

6.  Intelligent reactions

A day, the donkey of a villager dropped in a well.  The poor animal was braying with bitterness during hours, while his owner sought vainly a solution.  A pair of days passed, and finally, the man desperate due to the lack of remedy for that misfortune. He thought that, as the well was almost dry, and the donkey was already very old, really would not be worthy to remove him, and would be better to bury him there.  He asked to some neighbors that came to help him.  Each one of them got a shovel and they began to throw land in the well, in the middle of a great desolation.  The donkey noted immediately what was happening and brayed then with greater bitterness. 

A little later, everybody stopped listening to his pitiful moans.  The peasants thought that the poor donkey should be already suffocated and covered with land.  Then, the owner showed up in the well, with a fearful and sad look, and he saw something that left him amazed.  With each shovelful, the donkey did something very intelligent: was shaken the land and stepped on it.  He had already climbed more than two meters and he was quite up.  He did it all in complete silence and absorbed in his task.  The peasants were filled with courage and they continued throwing land, until the donkey arrived at the surface, gave a leap and left it trotting peacefully. 

To carry a difficult life, or to have misfortunes more or less serious, is something that happens to everybody.  The life, at times, seems that imprisons us as in the bottom of a well, and that even it throws us land on our top.  In front of that, there are intelligent ways to react, like that donkey did, that of what it seemed his prison, he knew how to do his last hope of salvation; and other styles that are rather the opposite, own of people that do not know how to take a profit from their own resources and that, on the other hand, they dominate what would be able to be called "the art to embitter the own life". 

There is who has himself accustomed to leave his mind to digress through the past to become an inexhaustible source of bitterness.  They see their youthfulness as a gold age lost for ever, what provides them a permanent reserve of frustration and, above all, it causes them to think little in the present.  Their suppositions on the future are likewise sad and somber, and that facilitates them to find motives to abandon the majority of the reasonable efforts to improve the things.  They are quite given to victimism, to blame the others, or to the society, or to their friends or relatives or to whatever other thing, which spoils all their efforts.  But almost always the solution to their problems seems to be outside of their reach.  They think badly of the others, and they conduct themselves as if they could read with great clairvoyance the thoughts of the others; when, in reality, they succeed few times (even thus, they will continue considering ingenuous to the ones that have a more positive vision of the people or of the situations).  Also they show a surprising capacity to see fulfilled their black prophecies (they do enough so that thus it would be), and in the personal contact they are susceptible and unpredictable, of those that tell you something and it is difficult to know if they say it as a joke or seriously, but what it is sure is that later they will reproach you that you take as a joke the serious things or that you have no sense of humor. 

All we have misfortunes, every day.  The key is how we react in front of them.  Of that depends in good part our quality of life and that of the others to which we relate. 

7.  Happiness and money

In an interview to the multimillionaire Barbara Hutton, a journalist addressed to her beginning with the typical set expression:  "Although we know that the money does not give the happiness, tell us, please…".  She didn't leave him to finish the phrase:  "Come on, young, but, who has said you that foolishness?" 

Although there are lots of popular sayings that maintain that the money doesn't assure anything, it is frequent to see that, then, in the practical life are few the ones that believed it.  The answer of that woman to the interviewer, who was embarrassed, is a good example of it. 

It is evident that a person with such a fortune would receive as a catastrophe a deterioration of her economic situation.  The same as a beggar would receive with great satisfaction any important improvement in his standard of living. 

Does the money influences a lot, then, in the happiness?  During more than ten years, a large American team of investigators directed by David Myers and Ed Diener had tried to throw some new light on this question through extensive statistical studies. 

Since the beginning they were proposed not to be set only in the subjective sensations of happiness that had the interviewed, but also in the judgment that they deserved to the others.  This focus facilitated to them one of their first conclusions: almost all the ones that felt happy were also seen thus to the eyes of their more intimate friends, to the eyes of their relatives and to the ones of the investigators that interviewed them. 

Soon they verified also, with certain amazement that the personal impression of happiness is distributed of quite a homogeneous way in almost all the ages, economic income levels or academic qualification, and it is neither affected in a significant way by the race or the sex.  For example, they only founded a certain relation between economic incomes and sensation of happiness in some poor countries, like the India or Bangladesh; in the other cases, it was used to be even slightly more frequent the contrary thing. 

The investigation concluded indicating a series of characteristics of the character that seem common to almost all the people that feel happy: the happy person is cordial and optimistic, he has a high control on himself, possesses a deep ethical sense and enjoys a high self-esteem.  Although it is difficult to know in what measure those characteristics of the character contribute to the happiness or are rather a part of its effects, we can conclude with Myers and Diener in emphasizing the great importance that for all has the personal improvement. 

Although the illusion -legitimate- of many people is to win a price in the lottery, the reality is that later it is verified that those to who has touched are not, little time after, happier than before.  Another illustrative fact is that the surveys carried out in countries in phases of great economic growth do neither offer the differences expected in the feeling of subjective welfare of the population. 

It would be able to be told that, once they have resolved their basic needs, each one tends to be adapted to his economic level, and that their happiness barely depends on the level in which each one is situated.  It is true that an improvement of the economic level uses to result in the feeling of happiness, but that impression uses to be of short duration.  In an analogous way, a deterioration of that level uses to produce a certain unhappiness (in that case, besides, the effects are used to be something more lasting), but with the time it is usually accepted and later on come to recognize and to enjoy what before barely was valued itself. 

In general, the money does not seem to collaborate a lot to feel happy in a stable way.  Neither the fame uses to contribute a lot by itself (moreover, one must be very mature emotionally to know to digest of adequate form the praise).  To have a great talent, or to be very healthy, or to have a great physical attractiveness, can neither be considered as the axis of the happiness: undoubtedly they can favor it, and to create a favorable climate to feel happy, but it is not always thus, far from it. 

As Seneca wrote, "all the men want to be happy; the difficult thing is to know what does mean "happy life".  One must succeed in that search, because who does not, lives expecting a tomorrow that never arrives. 

8.  The attraction of the virtue and of the goodness

Sometimes, one tends in his interior to label as unpleasant, for example, determined people or determined tasks or determined aspects related to the improvement of the character, and does not realize up to what point those mental bonds that he has gone establishing in his mind, in more or less conscious way damage him. 

In front of possible concrete points of personal improvement that we notify in our life (we see, for example, that we should be more patient, or less egoist, more tidy, less irascible, or the like), it is frequent that we tend to see those objectives as a very distant ones or like something little accessible to our forces.  We see them perhaps as attractive advances, yes, but that to reach them would require such an effort that only to think in it already produces in us a deep refusal.  We perceive it as somewhat painful and exhausting, which would carry us to a way of life of too much tension. 

Nevertheless, the personal improvement does not suppose neither requires that.  At least usually has no reason to be presented thus.  The advance on the road of the personal improvement should be understood and be undertaken, more like a process of liberation.  A gradual progress takes place that gets us free, day by day, of the ballast of our defects.  Not an exhausting ascent to an endless port of mountain, but a progressive relief of the load of our errors, a gradual relief of the cause of our main problems.  Therefore, although always there will be also backward movements, small or large, if we achieve as a group to improve, we will find us each time with more autonomy, we will advance with more ease and we will feel better.  Each man should acquire the self-control, and that is the itinerary of what Aristotle began to call virtue: the happiness will come like a fruit of a life according to the virtue. 

If we would put more attention, for example, in the positive aspects of a determined person, or in the challenge that supposes to have ordered the cabinet or the office, or even in the exciting thing that can come to be, so much for a man as for a woman, to cook, to maintain cleaned the house or to educate the children. .., if we endeavor for seeing these things thus, the road is made a lot more passable. 

It would be able to be objected that this is not difficult to do…, but only for some minutes, or even some days.  But, how to impede that after a little time we return to do it as before?  I can strive, for example in order to vary my humor during a while, that is not a little thing, but…  How maintain me thus and to become to be a long lasting good mood person? 

A way to achieve is to try to change the road; it is to be endeavored in changing the image that is presented to us in the mind when we think about those things.  For example, instead of representing in the imagination the tempting thing that results what you should not eat or not drink or not to do, try to think about the attractive and liberating that results to be a honest and healthy person, and to achieve that those representations take a greater space in your imagination. 

Or if you are invaded by thoughts related to the selfishness, the laziness or the lie, you try to stir up the image to be a loyal, sincere, diligent, and generous person, and enjoy a little in the contemplation of those values and those virtues that you should desire to see in your life.  Even, if you want, consider also the unpleasant thing that would result if you get converted little by little in an egoist, lazy or disloyal person, and you can compare an image with the other. 

Is this important?  I think that yes.  If a person manages to form an attractive idea of the virtues that he desires to acquire, and he tries to have those ideas well present, it is a lot easier than he comes to possess those virtues.  Thus he will achieve, besides, that the way comes to be less arduous and more satisfactory.  On the contrary, if he constantly thinks in the attractiveness of the vices that he desires to avoid (a creeping and poor attraction, but that always exists, and whose force never should be underestimated), it is more probable that the undeniable charm that always have those errors do it difficult to manage the separation of them. 

Therefore, to deepen in the attractive of the goodness, to represent it in our interior as somewhat attractive, happy and motivating, is something a lot more important than seems.  Many times, the processes of improvement become ineffective simply because the image of what one has been proposed to reach is not enough alluring or desirable. 

9.  The risk of the slowness

There are people that one day turn out well ten things and only one badly, and they arrive at their home in an estate of total discouragement.  Why?  Because they permit that this small thing that resulted badly remains floating in their memory a negative image that fills up almost completely the "screen" of their mind.  He has passed in that day for many positive things, but he has the ability -the misfortune- of consider it barely.  It is as if all the positive things remained immediately cornered in their memory.  Only the negative ones remain well engraved.  The rest pass and in little time they remain reduced to distant, gray, blurry images, as old pale photos. 

Sometimes, for example, a friendship, or a marriage, or a professional relation is deteriorated simply because one tends to recall and to store unpleasant experiences suffered in the relation with that person, while the pleasant immediately lose relief in the memory. 

Why does this happen?  Perhaps it is because what produces displeasure is very important to us, although it could be foolishness.  For example, the form that has to eat, or the disorderly form that leaves what he uses, or loses the things, or speaks in a tone that turns out to be unpleasant to the others.  Or that maybe has left to have determined deference with us.  Or something that he repeats to us, that was said in a moment of annoyance and that we are fed up with that recall.  Or perhaps it happens the other way round, and we are the ones that recall time and again that occasion in which we felt so uncomfortable and offended. 

The list of examples could be endless.  But, although all those negative things could be certain and objective -they do not use to be thus too much-, that way to recall them and to have them present does not help in nothing to resolve the things.  Besides, we know that it could also be able to be done another very long list of positive examples, of so many pleasant things that are used to remain into oblivion.  All would be very different if we endeavored in having them more present, and they we tried to generate the necessary circumstances so that they can be repeated. 

Therefore it is a good thing to be asked from time to time:  "If I continue turning over these ideas in this manner…, where does this will carry to me?  What I´ m going to obtain?  Toward where does it conduct me?  Toward where do I want to go?"  A person should be capable of taking occasionally a little distance on himself, and to analyze his feelings as if he was contemplating another person, for thus act on them.  Otherwise, he will turn out to be enormously vulnerable in front of the ups and downs of his emotional states. 

"I agree -it could be able to be objected-, it is necessary not to get muddied in the bad memories, yes…  But how?, because it is not so simple, it is not easy to change the way we act, a lot of time and effort is needed…".  It is true; I am not going to deny it.  But it does neither have to be always thus.  It is possible to change in little time.  Many times it is better understood a thing in a lightning of clarity that after years of pedaling. 

Sometimes, the processes of personal improvement fail because they go so slow and lazy that the change barely is seen to arrive, and then one is tired immediately.  It is as if we would see a movie contemplating a shot now, another shot after, and a third shot a while later. 

Acting in this way, it is difficult to get something clear.  But the fault would not be of the movie, because with that way to see it we cannot know if it is good or it is bad.  One must take it with its pace, and then you get an idea of the argument and of the personages, of the emotions that the movie stirs up, and then it grasps our attention, and seeing it we enjoy at the same time that we note that it enriches us.  In the same way, if in the personal improvement you achieve a faster pace, then you get an idea of what you earn, and of what still you can gain, and you enjoy with it, and that also encourages you to continue ahead in that desire. 

10.  Sense of humor

Jerry was the director of a restaurant in a small city of the U.S.  Always he was in a good mood and he had somewhat positive to say.  He was a natural-born motivator.  For two times, when he changed of work, several of his employees were impelled in continuing with him where he went to work.  If a worker had a bad day, Jerry always was there, making him to see the positive side of the situation. 

The way he was caused curiosity, so a day they asked him:  "I cannot explain it to me.  It is impossible to be positive always, without interruption.  How do you do it?"  Jerry answered:  "Always I tell to me, you have two options, I can elect to be in a good mood or in a bad mood.  And always I elect to be in a good mood.  Each time that something bad occurs, I can elect among the role of victim or the role of learning something of that.  And I try to elect to learn something of that.  Each time that I hear someone complaining, I can elect among adding me to his laments or to set me in the positive side of the life, and always I choose to set me in the positive side of the life". 

"But always it is not so easy", they objected him.  "It is neither so difficult", answered Jerry.  "The life is a constant election.  Each situation is an election.  You choose how to react in front of the situations.  You choose how it is going to affect the people to your humor.  You choose to be of good or of bad mood.  It is your election to decide how you live your own life." 

Time later, Jerry was a victim of a robbery.  He had forgotten to lock the rear door of the restaurant while he did the cash balance of the day, and two armed men entered.  He tried to open the safe box, but with the agitation the combination failed.  The robbers even got more nervous than he, and they lately fired him.  Fortunately, he was carried immediately to the hospital, and after a long operation and several weeks of convalescence, Jerry received the hospital discharge. 

After coming back to home, a neighbor asked him what had come to his mind when the robbery occurred.  "The first thing in which I thought was that I should have closed well the door.  Then, after they shot me, when I was laid out on the ground, I recalled that I had two options: I could elect to live or I could elect to die.  And I chose to live.  The stretcher-bearers were some nice guys.  They encouraged me.  They told me that I was going to recover well.  But, when they put me in the room and I saw the faces of the doctors and nurses, while they explored me, they frightened me really.  In their eyes I read: "He is a dead man".  Then I thought that I had to pass to the action." 

"What did you do?" they asked him.  "Good, there was a nurse that asked me shouting if I was allergic to something.  ¡Yes! I answered her as I was able.  A large silence became.  They expected that I continued.  I caught air again and I continued:  "Yes, I have allergy…  to the bullets!"  After the laughter of all, I told them:  "I want to live.  So, please, do make the possible things that you can as soon as possible". 

Jerry thinks that he lived thanks to the doctors and nurses, but also thanks to his attitude.  You can elect each day if you are going to face the life with desire or you are going to face the life embittered.  The only thing entirely yours, that nobody can control or to assume in your place, is your attitude.  Thus, if you realize this, all the other aspects of the life become much easier. 

The history of Jerry concludes here.  It is perhaps a little simple, but suggests an important idea.  All we know people that, with only their presence, they radiate positive feelings.  Their attitude is optimist, courageous, hopeful.  They possess as a species of magnetic field that orients those that surround them, which perhaps are weaker or more negative.  They are deactivators of agitations and quarrels.  When they face a difficult situation, they use to be serene, conciliatory, coordinators. 

They use to be people that have managed to learn of their own experiences, so much of the refusals as of the positive ones.  They believe in the others.  They do not react disproportionate in front of their defects neither in front of the criticism or the difficulties.  They do not feel satisfied when they discover the errors and weaknesses of the others (and that not because they are ingenuous, but because they also see those errors, but they know that with their attitude they can cause to improve or to reinforce their conduct).  They try not to label neither to prejudge to the people, but to discover the positive values that there are in every person.  They get gratitude and appreciation.  They are not envious.  They are you grateful.  They tend, almost naturally, to forgive and to forget the offenses that they receive.  They look after the way to improve their education.  They read, they listen, they possess eagerness to know things, interests them what interests to whom surround them.  In short all a worthy attitude to be imitated in our life. 

II. Including the others

11.  Personal interdependency
12.  Playing in team
13.  The abyss of the solitude
14.  To allow the others to convince us
15.  The reasons of the others
16.  The forms are important
17.  Way of explaining and brains
18.  Spontaneity, to where? 
19.  Having conversation

11.  Personal interdependency

All we have come to the world as children totally dependent on the others.  We have been directed, educated and supported by others during quite a lot time, and it is clear that if that would not had happened thus, we would not have lived more than some few hours, or at the maximum a few days.  Later, we were becoming increasingly more independent.  It could be able to say that we were taking gradually charge of ourselves. 

A person with a physical dependence (a paralytic or a sick of Alzheimer, for example) needs aid of the others.  A person that would be very dependent emotionally will make his decisions and he will feel very sure of himself in function of the opinion of the others, of what the others think of him.  A person that would be very dependent intellectually, counts on that the others think and decide for him in front of the main problems of his life. 

On the other hand, an independent person looks after himself with his own media, he has his own opinion on the things and his own guidelines for the construction of his life. 

Nevertheless, that personal independence, that is a decisive achievement in the life, should have also his just measure.  Because to be absolutely independent does not seems to be the great paradigm of the existence.  This is due, among others things, because the highest achievements of our nature have always to see with our relation with the others.  The human life is in itself -by calling it of some way- interdependent. 

The sensibility of our epoch has enthroned at times in an exaggerated way the independence, as if it was the largest human goal and a sure guarantee of happiness.  Nevertheless, a badly understood eagerness of independence can, in many cases, finish in a lot more bitter dependences. 

For example, it is seen in those people that abandon their marriage and their children in name of the love and the independence, although at the bottom they do it for some quite easy to suppose egotistical reasons.  Or in that of those that disregard their family or they betray their friends or they renounce to their principles, with regard to an excessive eagerness of personal affirmation in their work, to make more money or to reach greater power.  Or the one that is seen in those that speak to break the chains, to be freed, to live the own life…, and in reality they are with it being held by other chains that suppose a lot more strong dependences, because are dependences that are in their interior: in an egotistical search of pleasure or comfort, in a renunciation to manage the own responsibility, or in blaming the others about all the things that turns out to be difficult in their lives. 

The personal independence makes us to act by ourselves, instead of delivering to others the control of our life, and that is a very important achievement.  But it is not enough as the final goal of a life.  It seems clear that always it is convenient to add to the independence a good dose of sensibleness and of good criterion, in order not to fall in the independent stupidity, that not by independent stops being idiot. 

The life, naturally, is interdependent.  The man cannot seek the happiness putting the independence as central value of its life.  Mainly because any achievement in the emotional life of a person passes necessarily by dependence in a way of his woman, of her husband, of his children, of his friends, of his professional project, and so on.  On the other hand, all we need to depend also of some principles, ideals and wise personal values. 

In short, we can be independent and, at the same time, we can easily understand that the best way to advance consists in working in team, that we need to enrich our thought with that of the other people, that one must be faithful to some sure values or that every man needs to give and to receive affection.  The life should be planned seeking to share it deep and significantly with the others, and this always supposes a counterpoint to an eagerness of independence badly understood. 

12.  Playing in team

If any of us is asked about which have been the most delightful experiences of our life, the ones that we better conserve in the memory and that we recall with greater satisfaction, almost always we will refer to personal experiences inside an assembly of people to whom we appreciate.  Perhaps it is the family, or a team of work, or a group of people inside a determined cultural environment, or of a sport, or the like. 

Knowing how to share, to do team, and to feel united to other people is always gratifying, and also, usually, a good driving force that make us to try hard to improve.  The presence of others inspires us and stimulates us to a level hardly accessible for us going alone.  Of the others we learn many things that enrich us enormously, and by helping times we surprise us doing things that perhaps even we would not do neither by ourselves. 

The others are a decisive element in our personal improvement.  It is certain that the force to change depends to a large extent of us.  But also we know that the people that surround us can help us or can hinder us a lot in this project.  The capacity to change is seen reinforced when we know to live together with the others, when we know to work in team, when we manage to be near to the people that form our environment. 

The one that endeavors inside an environment of confidence and illusion, well integrated among people that he really appreciates, normally tries harder and better.  And that uses to produce a beneficial feedback effect.  The more you give, the more you receive, and better climate of contribution and support achieve, which always reinforces the satisfaction of all. 

It is a matter of knowing how we can get integrated as much as possible in the environments of relation in which we participate.  As Anthony Robbins has written, all we play in various teams: the family, our professional environment, our city, our culture, our country, the entire humanity.  One is able to remain seated in the stool and to look at, or well to get up and play.  And it is much better to play.  This implies sharing our world with others.  The more we give, the more will be given to us.  The more we participate, the more we will give and the more we will receive. 

And also one must know how to elect a team correctly.  As it is recalled by the popular saying, the most universal law is the law of gravity, which tends to carry us downward, and causes us to abandon many challenges that we should consider.  If we know to get surrounded by positive people, with desires to improve, hopefully by managing to yield our talents in service to the others, then we will see us a lot more stimulated.  If we manage to play in a team like thus, that is extremely valuable.  Therefore it is vital to be surrounded by people that carry us to be a better person each day. 

The happiness and the success in the life does not depend on what we have, but more on what we are, of how do we live.  And what we do with what we have determines, in great measure, how we live, even in the most minimum details.  For example, if we are generous with a person that has done well his work, and we treat him as he deserves, that does us better and does to him.  And this is applicable to almost all.  We should do a personal reflection on this.  And if I would make the purpose to thank always with warmth any favor that I receive or any service that others offer to me, however the small it could be?  And if I would dedicate more time to do to whom surround me his life more pleasant?  And if I would call occasionally my friends and family, without need of large motives, although only would be in order to interest me for them?  And if I would make the purpose to do a contribution, although it could be modest, custom-made to my possibilities, when I am informed about an interesting project?  This is a way of life.  It is not a question of having a lot of time neither having a lot of money.  It is question of how I administer, of what I have, be it little or a lot.  To decide with success to what can I dedicate my time and my resources.  Of not let me carry by the routine, but to try to put in my life a little more of inventiveness and of reflection. 

All this can seem little thing, but it is more important than it seems.  Any small detail has a positive effect on us and on the others.  And an assembly of small details can change completely the environment of a family, an office, a place of rest, a group of friends, a courtship engagement or a cultural project.  To propose that challenge hopefully is something that always is worth while. 

13.  The abyss of the solitude

"The couple had two children: two intelligent, awake and experienced boys that had at their fingertips the form to treat to their parents to obtain what they proposed. 

"Often they resorted to seek unilateral complicities when the parents were in disagreement, and there was such the success with which they utilized their tricks that they always result victorious:  "But don't tell it to your father", or well:  "Above all, mother must not be informed".  It was a comfortable form to solve the problems and to accept without accepting.  It was a form to assent betraying.  But neither the husband neither the woman realized that this system did not only spoil the children, but they were getting separated little by little of them.  They were too busy in organizing their life with tight agendas: meetings, trips, premieres, conferences or invitations of the high society, as to digress on the consequences of the trifles of their children. 

"More than being understood, they came to an agreement.  And more than interchange opinions, they exchanged a little quantity of time.  Thus they were being distanced the one of the other.  Little by little they were entering into the destructive arcane of the routine.  That type of routines that never leave a step to the surprise and to the adverse suppositions. 

"Also the children became separated of them.  It is not that they imagined destructive ill wills: simply they had get accustomed to the separation of the ones that were considered united by the simple fact of living together in the same house or by carrying the same surname. 

"Suddenly, she began to suffer sudden attacks of meaningless sadness.  They were flabby weaknesses impregnated of discouragement and as submerged in ice water.  In reality, she did not know with accuracy why she was feeling so discouraged, did not she come to understand the cause.  Did neither she miss than her husband, always so busy, had remained impassive and he didn't try to ascertain what occurred to her to be able to help her.  She had accepted during much time that her husband never had interfered in her private domains, and he considered that the essential thing was to act as he had always acted: with the naturalness required by the people to whom never something truly different nor tiresome occurred. 

"Sometimes they spent hours seated the one in front of the other in the same room without interchanging any word.  Each one closed in his things.  Or perhaps thinking up as how to get loosened of the other so that the silence that was gripping them was not a shared silence, but something eventual.  Thus began that marriage to graze the land of the infidelities.  It was a slow transition.  As it is the fact to grow.  Nobody is found high overnight." 

Thus describes Mercedes Salisachs in one of her novels the life of a "respectable marriage", that at the beginning was happy but that was being abandoned little by little.  A married life that had become juxtaposition of selfishness and of self-made solitudes. 

As Martin Descalzo has written, it is not that all the solitary be egotists and that they have earned all alone the solitude.  There is at times a lot of ingratitude that causes many undeserved solitudes.  But, the most of the times, the most serious problem is to think that the problem is in the other or in the others.  If a person, when is verifying his solitude, would ask to himself:  Who wants me? Probably he will succeed in his solitude leaving him.  To defeat the solitude one must formulate another question:  To whom I want?  It is necessary to put affection in the manners with the others, instead of being distressed demanding to be wanted and valued.  It is the way to reach remedy to the solitude, because if one puts affection, although it seems to him that he is not corresponded, sooner or later finishes being wanted also. 

The insincerity was another of the causes of the solitude in that marriage.  At the beginning, that insincerity was smallness, but then were more serious things.  And, above all, it declared more important things.  When a person has a lack of sincerity, he declares, among others things, a comfortable tendency to the easy and limited to the present time solutions.  It is sought to get out of the travel, to avoid any inconvenience, to satisfy a clumsy desire.  And the worse thing is that, normally, it carries at the end to a dead end, because the lie has a very short validity, and to maintain the lie immediately one is pushed to lie more, and this conducts to the solitude of who constantly is obliged "to act".  Therefore, Jankélévitch said, that one of the hardest punishments of the liar is the loss of his own identity.  The liar is locked in a self-made solitude of which he does not know well how to exit.  It costs him to open his heart, because he thinks that the building of his life is going to fall down, when the certain thing is that the sincerity is the only way to rebuild it. 

14.  To allow the others to convince us

Plato, in one of his "Dialogues", raises an interesting discussion between Socrates and Calicles on the force of the reason.  Calicles rejects the conventional morality and defends another based on the survival of the fittest.  He assures that this law is the one that reigns in the nature and the one that really proceeds of it.  Doing evil -maintains Calicles- can be shameful since the point of view of the social conventionalisms, but those conventionalisms proceed of a sociable morale, established by the weak in order to defend themselves against the strong.  The weak, that are the majority, join to shape and to enslave to the better and stronger of the men and they proclaim as just the most convenient actions for them. 

Through the dialogue, Calicles remains without arguments in front of the objections that Socrates makes to him, but he doesn't stop defending cynically his ideas.  He says that the strong men know well that, if it is not necessary, they can commit an injustice with the others, because that is the justice of the strong.  In a certain moment he begins to give the reason to Socrates, but immediately contradicts himself and assures that he has not any interest to continue speaking, because he is not willing to be persuaded by the reasons of nobody, and he would resort to the force to impose his arguments.  And he continues with affirmations and approaches that today, two thousand five hundred years later, recall us the ones that were collected almost literally by Nietzsche, and put later in practice by the Nazism and other doctrines based on their nihilistic thesis. 

I think that the more tragic in the history of Calicles are not his violent and intolerant ideas.  The worse thing is his total lack of responsiveness in front of any argument.  That is what armors his terrible error and impedes him to leave it. 

And that it is, sadly, the attitude with which at times we armor-plate our defects and our incoherencies in some small details of the daily life.  Perhaps, when we see that our reasons do not have sufficient weight, instead of analyzing them again, or to seek other reasons that reinforce them or that improve them, or to seek counsel in whom can help us to understand them or to explain them better, we tend to stick to one's guns in front of the reasons of the others. 

Be left to be convinced by the reasons of others is, many times -not always, it seems obvious to say it-, a sample of intelligence and of rectitude.  Our intelligence is declared not only when we argue, but also when we accept and we understand the arguments of the others.  Therefore, the education has so much to do with making us receptive to the reasoning of the others.  The reasonable thing is to accept that our reason should be enriched with the reason of the others, with the consideration and acceptance of different points of view, another aims, another objectives, another appraisals. 

In order to develop really our intellectual ability it is necessary to develop our listening capacity.  We should aspire to be persuaded by arguments, not only to persuade to the others with our arguments.  Therefore, if we have very clear our reasons, but we tend to see very little clear the reasons of the others, perhaps it is because a long time ago that we have limited a lot our capacity to learn. 

Perhaps good part of the fault of that phenomenon is that it is bad considered to accept that one has been persuaded by the reasons of another.  As if to have a change of mind implied to use little the reason.  Really, the world is full of people that pride themselves of thinking the same that they thought twenty or thirty years before, and in some cases that can be a demonstration of sensibleness and fidelity to the own principles, but in other many, probably, it shows that they haven't thought too much.  They seem invulnerable to any argumentation, and that is not something of what one could be proud of.

15.  The reasons of the others

Plato, to think and to explain his ideas better, imagined personages whose ideas were opposite to those of him, so much to state present retorts to his affirmations as for require that he could expose their ideas in several ways and thus improve them.  Aristotle maintains to a large extent this system, although of form a little less theatrical, and indicates first the obstacles to his affirmations -He uses to say:  "There is here a difficulty…" -, and then overcomes or refutes patiently those objections.  Tomás de Aquino, in each article of the Summa, employs his famous formula. He first searches which are the opposite conclusions to the thesis that he maintains, and then, after having exposed the solution according to the order of the reasons, returns to the objections that he had done to himself, and answers them.  Also Descartes exchanges arguments to respond to the objections that were launched to him. 

In all the cases, a commendable spirit of responsiveness toward the reasons of the others is notified.  And that way to lodge in the own house to the adversary, and to give him the occasion to contradict our ideas, has been always a proof of bravery and of coherence of the great men.  The thought that has passed through the contradiction is a more mature and contrasted thought.  Therefore I am so much worried by the people that seem to be unwilling to consider the reasons of the others. 

The men that do not admit the reasons from the others, almost never feel themselves guilty of anything, and that is a devastating situation for anybody.  They use to be people that almost always are self-considered as victims.  The culpability is something that only applies to the others.  Thus is their mind and, whatever happens, at the end final they fall in that original vice.  And a moment arrives in which it is no longer a question of bad or good will, but a simple question of ignorance, of a lot of time of not listening to the alien reasons, of too many years to live it all always since the rarefied viewpoint of the selfishness. 

It would be able to say that this way to act is influenced a lot of the education that each one has received, and it is true.  But also it is certain that our character is done by each one of us.  A proof of it is that all we know people that have lived in the same environment, even in the same family, they have been bombarded by the same mass media and influenced by the same routines and customs of the place where they live, and, nevertheless, they are very different people.  Many achieve not to fall in the trap to elude always the reasons and points of view of the others, that subtle trap that always is offered to us, tempting.  Why?  Because they haven't lost their sensibility. They have gone discovering the truth by not thinking always in themselves. 

And that effort is rewarded in which they are observant people, which are interested in an extensive range of questions and they have sense of humor, above all to make a little fun of themselves, not at the cost of the others.  They do not have need to boast about their successes or about their qualities.  In their form to speak they are frank, simple and accessible.  At the moment of judging they tend with more facility to overvalue the others that to overvalue themselves.  Also they have more consciousness of the measure, and they do not undertake the problems in key of all or nothing, neither have they classified the things between white and black, neither the world between good and bad.  They try to discern the bottom of the questions, without letting them being left to carry for hasty impressions or personal conveniences.  They receive with moderation the compliments and gratitude, without being conceited, and also the faults by their errors, that don't carry them to be sunk, but to improve their experiences and to rectify. 

16.  The forms are important

A Sultan dreamed that he had lost all his teeth.  After awaking, he ordered to call to a wise person so that he could interpret his dream.  "What a misfortune, my Lord!" -the wise said- "each one of your fallen teeth represents the loss of a relative of Your Majesty".  "What insolence!"
-shouted the Sultan maddened- "How do you dare to tell me similar thing?  Go out of here!" The Sultan called to his guard and ordered that they gave a hundred lashes to him. 

Subsequently he ordered that the guard brought to another wise and he counted to him again what he had dreamed.  The second wise, after listening with attention to the Sultan, told to him:  "My Lord, great happiness has been reserved you, because the dream signifies that you will survive to all your kin".  The appearance of the Sultan was illuminated and ordered that a hundred coins of gold were delivered to him. 

When this second wise left the palace, one of the courtiers told him admired:  "¡It is curious!  The interpretation that you have done of the dreams of the Sultan is the same as the one that the first wise did, but the Sultan paid to him with a hundred lashes and to you with a hundred coins of gold".  "Remember, my friend -responded the second wise-, that almost all depends on the form in that it is said". 

This old history shows how one of the large challenges of the humanity is to learn to communicate.  Of the communication depends, many times, the happiness or the misfortune, the friendship or the enmity, the harmony or the conflict.  It is certain that the truth should always be said, but the lack of success in the form to express it, or the lack of opportunity in the moment and the circumstances to tell it, causes many times large problems. 

It is certain that there are truths that are hard to say or hard to listen, and that even so, one must tell them, but all we should learn how to speak so that our words would not awake the defensiveness of the speaker, that is to say, that who listens to them perceive not them as hostile or like provocation.  There are many forms to say the same thing, and normally there is not need to do unpleasant the truth.  The truth is like a jewel that can be launched against the face of someone, in order to wound him, or well to be presented and offered in an affable way, with the consideration that he deserves. 

The majority of the persons that presume to walk in the life singing the truths to everyone, what perhaps they do not say or they do not know is that they are moved to do it, not by their real love to the truth, but to their eagerness to impress the others, thing that seems that enchants to them.  Perhaps they believe that they make a good impression, that they have the last word, when the reality is that they usually act ridiculously and, above all, they do not convince to anyone.  To be right with bad manners do not persuade, but it creates madness and irritation.  All we need indulgence, and -as Menéndez y Pelayo said- the one who does not offer it to the others, with difficulty will find it then for him. 

It would be interesting to examine with which kind of care we treat to each one, if we have the sufficient consideration with all, if we speak to all and of all with respect and appreciation, if we act with justice and loyalty.  And perhaps with more reason in his absence: so that, if the interested were present, he remained thanked by the way in which we have spoken of them.
 

17.  Way of explaining and brains

All we have observed how some people possess some qualities that cause them to connect more easily with the others.  I do not refer to the large leaders or to those genial personalities that possess a so singular character that the current people can little learn of them.  I refer, rather, to those persons that live around us and that have a good capacity to get along with the others, they know how to grasp their feelings and they manage to maintain a good habitual relation with almost everyone. 

The capacity that the people have to be understood keeps a deep relation with the emotional education, therefore the people do not express verbally the majority of their ideas or their feelings, but we emit continuous non verbal emotional messages, through signs, expressions of the face or of the hands, the tone of voice, the corporal position or even the silences, so eloquent so many times.  Each person is a continuous transmitter of emotional messages of the most diverse kind (of appreciation, displeasure, cordiality, hostility, etc.) and, at the same time, he is also a continuous receiver of the messages that radiate the others. 

By that reason, many of the problems of communication among the people use to have their origin in a deficient perception of the emotional messages that are received (we would be able to speak of problems of brains) or in a deficient emission of the emotional messages that they want to express (problems of way of explaining). 

It is true that so much the problems of brains as those of the way of explaining can be ours or of the others (in fact at most habitual in practice is that both problems go united), but, normally, we can act a lot more on what is more to our reach, on what are our own defects. 

For example, as suggested Antonio Machado, when we do not manage to teach something, it is because perhaps we do not know it still well, and it is probable that we have to learn it to understand it and to express it better. 

And if we observe that other people use to see determined matter in a different way from us we see it, it would be of little intelligence to disdain systematically the possibility that the others could be right, or at least that they have a part of the truth.  If we tend immediately to consider with completeness that they are wrong, and besides we declare it in such a way that those people perceive that there is displeasure in our attitude, then the most probable is that they raise a barrier in front of us and they consider us as persons in front of whom they should not show any receptivity.  As it is natural, it isn't a matter of doubting constantly of our principles or of our personal way of being, since the insecurity in that sense can become a certainly dangerous defect, but it is precise to learn to grasp better the thoughts of the others and to express better our own thoughts. 

There is a series of essential attitudes to improve the communication with the people.  It is necessary, in the first place, to have an attitude of desire to know the points of view of the others and to be enriched with them.  That supposes to be open to be influenced and to change, which is perfectly compatible with having serious and firm convictions.  Later, it is precise to state explicitly those attitudes always in behaviors.  For example, to listen a lot and with attention; to speak without awaking defensiveness in the other; to try to start from common points of agreement and to advance progressively toward the areas of disagreement; and so on. 

Our understanding -I cite again to Antonio Machado- has a gradual scale: first, to understand the things (or to believe that we understand them); second, to understand them well; third, to understand them better; fourth, to understand that there is not better way to understand them than by improving our brains. 

18.  Spontaneity, ¿to where? 

"Mom is that you don't understand.  The young people say what they think, without hypocrisies."  Thus defended a young adolescent the scarce education and diplomacy of a friend of him to which he had invited to spend a few days with them during the holidays. 

Without doubt, the spontaneity is an emerging value in the society of our days.  Being spontaneous and natural is something that today -fortunately- is valued a lot.  There is a great passion for everything that signifies opening and clarity.  The young have respect towards the conducts that reveal authenticity.  The young people pay respect to the sincerity of life, perhaps as answer to the refusal produced by some unpleasant aftertaste of the Victorian time that they have detected in the previous generation. 

All that, there is no doubt, hides an undeniably positive advance.  And in the range of the education, it is a matter of conquest of the contemporary sensibility that has supposed especially valuable contributions.  To move in a climate of confidence is considered today as a decisive, fundamental educational principle also for the formation of the own character. 

Nevertheless, the reasons that gave that girl show the need of a sensible equilibrium in all that relates to the spontaneity.  It seems evident that is precise to find an equilibrium between the hypocrisy and what we would be able to call excess of spontaneity.  Because, it seems possible to be courteous without falling in the hypocrisy or in the flattery; to be sincere without resorting to the coarseness and to remain faithful to the own principles without need to offend to the others. 

To say the truth that does not turns out to be convenient to reveal, or to whom it is not owed to say, or to say it in an inadequate moment, is -fundamentally- a lack of sensibleness.  It seems clear that it is always convenient to add sensibleness to the sincerity, and thus we will save us -as says H. Cavanna- "the sincere stupidity, that not by sincere stops being stupidity". 

Throwing out the first thing that comes to one's head without barely thinking it, or to let escape the impulses and the more primary feelings indiscriminately, cannot be considered a virtuous act of sincerity.  The sincerity is not a simple verbal unleashing.  One must say what he thinks, but one must think what it is said. 

The one that founds a friend that has just lost his father and says to him that he does not feel sad at all because his father was unpleasant and unbearable is not sincere, although those were really his feelings, but an authentic savage. 

As Juan Bautista Torelló points out, under the excuse of that false sincerity are often hidden: the arrogance, the grossness, an unhealthy tendency to the provocation, exhibitionist tendencies or attraction to wound the others.  Who act thus are sad figures, sad men or women without brakes, that are left to carry by their more archaic impulses and that are too distant to reach a minimum of maturity in their character. 

The equilibrium between the character and the personality requires a careful compensation between an extreme and another.  And as well as thirty years ago could be greater the danger of the stiffness and of the distrust, perhaps now is, rather, that of the excessive lack of inhibition or freedom.  It is verified that the exaltation of the spontaneity and the devaluation of the seriousness produce ambivalent fruits.  They intend to fortify the personality, and to a large extent they achieve it, but also they bring the risk to produce people with a random spontaneity, thanks to which, they do just what they like, everything that comes to their mind.  But the occurrences are always unforeseeable. 

19.  To have conversation

"There were another causes for that solitude -writes Dorothy Parker- that went back very long ago, to when they were bride and groom.  She tried to recall of what they spoke before being married, when they were promised, and seemed to her that they had never much to say each other.  But, before, that didn't had worried her, and even she experienced the satisfaction that their engagement went well as she had always heard to say that the true love is not expressed with words.  Besides, at that time, the kisses and flirtations had them always get busy.  But it happened that the true marriage seemed to be likewise silent, and after seven years of life in common it is not possible to trust in the kisses and in all the like to fill the days and the nights." 

Antonio Vázquez has written that the marriage is, among others things, fifty years of conversation.  That it is precise to cultivate the desire to know and to be known, to exchange impressions, to communicate.  Therefore, who since the engagement center their aspirations in the physical attraction or in the sex, and build on that a relation without any foundation, quickly they find the boredom and the solitude. 

I don't want at all with all this to propose a puritan refusal to the body, but simply to put the attention in the need to have conversation, to form our opinion on the things, to have areas of personal interest, to gain in interior depth.  Who does not cultivate that interior depth, finishes being a frivolous, superficial person, reduced to the first strata of the life, and that passes through it as if he was in a hasty visit.  They are converted little by little in fictitious people, with few illusions of certain importance, guided almost always by the behaviors of their environment; fit themselves meekly in the practices of the fashion. 

It is impressive to verify how the spirit of some men and women gets old prematurely by that superficiality and, on the other hand, others remain young and courageous until the end of their days.  Therefore we should do the possible thing so that any day the clock of our life doesn't stops and so that, if we see some time that it stops, we know how to put it again in motion as soon as possible.  All we have inside many resources that still we have never used, talent that we have not taken advantage of, forces that we have never tested.  Therefore, independently of how much busy or tired we were, we can not stop advancing, to learn and to be receptive to the ideas of the others. 

To have conversation one must learn to listen.  And sometimes we don't do it because we are too busy recalling something that has to do with what the others say to us, and we are preparing a reply.  And perhaps there are animated conversations, in which each one takes the words right out of the mouth of the others. 

The conversation must be sought.  We cannot remain us there, waiting for it to arrive.  One must seek it with intelligence.  And for it, perhaps the first thing is not wanting to presume of being intelligent, and not to have the arrogance of wanting to show it every moment, but to show us open and receptive, so that we expand each day our range of interests. 

We cannot be satisfied with those excessively conventional conversations whose main protagonist is the topic.  We cannot be of those people that, when they find you, they cross two or three phrases of commitment, but immediately they have to say good-bye, alleging a small task, because, in reality, they have so a little conversation that almost nothing interests them, they are bored, and they don't know what to say. 

The good conversations leave always marks on us and, when the conversation has passed, they come again to the memory: the ideas, the arguments exposed by one and another, and also the arguments exposed by oneself, and new ideas come to us, and the illusion to continue that conversation, that encounter, born.

III. Be centered in the others

20.  The exaltation of the ego
21.  Believing in the others
22.  Fear to the interference
23.  Corresponding
24.  The little glass in the eye
25.  People interested in the others
26.  To give energy to the others
27.  The true love
28.  The false compassion

20.  The exaltation of the ego

"The western culture -José Antonio Marina points out- can be related as the history of an "I" that has been growing fat.  It is easy to indicate the main phases.  The protestant reform appealed to the own conscience against the authority.  Descartes established the I-think as final instance.  The Illustration did the same thing with the reason.  The romanticism exacerbated the prominence of the "I".  The German idealism converted it in the origin of all.  And, as last step, we find the growing insistence in the individualism.  All has ended into an excessive affirmation of the ego that doesn't present us any problem.  What at times has been an opportune defense of the personal autonomy has finished becoming an obsessive care on oneself and a disproportionate narcissism". 

This way to see the things, which is inscribed in our culture, is a source of attitudes that promotes in the people a little feverish and tormented psychology.  A fixation on oneself that causes resounds in the interior of us. Our interior is disturbed by a crowd of voices.  Voices that always are there, that arrive at the most intimate of one self.  Voices that require us to be successful, to be famous, to have power.  Voices that question our own value, that go round and round considering the right to be loved and kept in mind.  Styles of thought that carry us to have few moments in the day free of dark feelings as grudge, jealousy, lust, greed, antagonisms or meaningless rivalries.  Ways to undertake the things that carry us to be obsessed for the approval from the others or the consideration with which we are treated.  A wander of the memory and the imagination that causes us to dream awake fantasizing to be inspired, brilliant, admired.  A fear to not like or not to be censured that constantly invites to design new strategies to assure attention and affection. 

That emotional style sifts to the man as a rowboat in the middle of the swell.  A small criticism causes him annoyance.  A small refusal depresses him.  A small success animates him.  He is encouraged with the same facility that he is discouraged.  It thinks that only will be wanted if is good-looking, intelligent, full of health, if he has a good work, friends, and contacts.  He falls in a world that promotes the addictions, that incites to accumulate status that creates false expectations, deceits that carry to useless searches, to constant disillusions. 

All that living centered in oneself gives also power to the envy.  It seems that all things go to the others better, that all they are better than I.  They go around constantly with the idea of how to arrive to where they are.  Then, with the failure, the jealousy and the resentment come; the suspicion and the defensive attitude arrive.  The envious entangles himself in a bundle of desires that, at the end, impedes him to know which his true motivations are.  The victimism and the distrust push to a constant search of arguments, to be always in guard, to divide the world in the ones that are in favor or those that are against me.  All turns dark around.  The heart hardens itself full of sadness. He is in found wrapped in endless dialogues with absent speakers, anticipating questions and preparing answers. 

The worse thing is that many times, despite the evidence of the destructive style of thinking, it is not easy to be removed of it, because that person is found enslaved by his heart, hungry of some desires that carry him through wrong roads.  Surpass it is not easy, but it is very necessary.  It is precise to pledge oneself in order to leave that narrow world of the selfishness and to discover the greatness and the peace of center the own life in the others. 

21.  To Believe in the others

Anthony Robbins relates how in the school he had a professor of oratory that, one day, told him that he wanted to see him after the class.  The boy was asking himself if he would have done somewhat badly. 

Nevertheless, when they spoke, the professor told to him:  "Mister Robbins, I believe that you have conditions to be a good speaker, and I want to invite you to a contest of oratory with other schools". 

Robbins had not thought that he posses any special capacity as lecturer, but his professor told it to him with such a security that he didn't doubt in believing him and he accepted.  That simple intervention of that professor changed the life of that boy that in a few years time came to be one of the most valued talents in communication, with a great international prestige.  That professor did a small thing, but he managed to change the perception that the boy had of himself. 

The image that each one has of oneself is, to a large extent, reflection of what the others think on us.  Or, better said, the image that each one has of oneself is, to a large extent, reflection of what we believe that the others think of us. 

It cannot be forgot that such image is a real component of the own personality, that regulates, quite importantly, the access to the own interior energy or even creates that energy.  It is a phenomenon that can be observed with clarity, for example, in the sports.  The coaches know well that, in such determined psychic situations, their athletes yield less.  When a person suffers a failure or he founds himself in a hostile environment, it is easy that he founds discouraged, lifeless, with lack of energy.  On the other hand, when a team plays in the middle of their fans and this encourages it with heat, the players grow themselves of a surprising form.  Also the long-distance runners experience it or the cyclists: they can be near to the limit of their resistance by the exhaustion of a very long career, but an applause of the public while they are doubling a curve seems to put energy in their feet. 

Our interior energy is not a constant value. It varies a lot of according to what we think on ourselves.  If I do not consider myself capable to do something, it will turn out to be extraordinarily costly to me to do it, if it is done at all.  One must think that the option of the discouragement has also his power of seduction, and that the defeatism and the victimism are presented for many people as something really alluring and tempting. 

And in this, also habits can be acquired.  The optimistic or pessimistic vital tone, the favorable or unfavorable slant with which we see our personal reality, is also something that, to a large extent, is learned, something in which any person can acquire a positive or a negative habit. 

And it isn't a little narcissism to think so much in the own image?  Could it be if the things are not presented well, but it has no reason to be thus.  The narcissist suffers because, in reality, he doesn't love to himself, but, above all, to his image, of which he finishes being an authentic slave.  At the moment to elect between him and between his image, he finishes, in practice, preferring his image, and this is the cause of his anguishes: an exaggerated attention to his figure and, consequently, a lack of identification and consolidation in himself.  Developing the self-esteem, that is to say, a stable estimation of oneself is something very necessary, for what it is precise to have a good perception of oneself.  If someone confuses that with being left to enslave for his image, he mistakes the road; but if he manages to create a positive image of his own capacities, without doubt he will yield a lot more. 

Therefore, to believe in the others has effects that many times are surprisingly positive.  All we respond according to the sincere expectations that others have of us.  If we try during a time to treat someone with greater consideration and affection, to believe him capable to improve his character or his performance; if we endeavor, in final, by seeing him with better eyes -perhaps more intelligent and more capable than now we see him-, it is very probable that the person finish being a lot better than now he is. 

All we have passed sometimes by small crisis, for moments in which we lack of a little amount of faith in ourselves, and perhaps then we find someone that believe in us, that bet on us, and that caused us to grow and to surpass that situation.  Goethe wrote: treat a man just as he is, and he will continue being as what he is; treat him as he is able and should be, and he will become what he is able and should be. 

22.  Fear to the interference

"That episode -thought for herself the protagonist of that novel of Susanna Tamaro- comes often to be presented again in my thoughts because it is the only moment in which I had the possibility to get the things changed".

"She -her daughter- had begun to cry, she had embraced me: in this moment a crack in her protective armor had been opened, a minimum crack by which I could have been able to enter.  Once inside I should have acted as those nails that become opened immediately after they enter the wall: little by little they are widened, gaining slightly more space.  I would have managed to enter a little in her intimacy and converted perhaps in a firm point in her life". 

"To do it, I should have had firm hand.  When she said "It is better than you go", I should have remained.  I should have refused to go without more motives. I should have come to call again to her door each day; to insist until transforming that crack in an open path.  It lacked very little, I felt it". 

"I didn't do it, on the other hand: by cowardice, laziness and false sense of modesty.  I had never liked interfering; I wanted to be different, to respect strictly the liberty of her existence.  But behind the mask of the liberty hides often the negligence, the desire of not to be implied. 

"There is a quite subtle border between a thing and another; to cross it or not to cross it is a matter of an instant, of a decision that is assumed or that is not assumed; and of its importance, sometimes,  you only realize when the instant already has passed.  Only then you regret it, only then you understand that at that time she asked clamorously the intromission, and I told to myself: you were present, you had consciousness, of that conscience should have born the obligation to act". 

"The love doesn't suits with the lazy, and to exist in fullness it requires precise and strong gestures.  I had disguised my cowardice and my indolence with the noble vestments of the liberty". 

This reflection of that tormented woman by her memories can serve us to recall that the true affection needs, at times, of energy and of firmness.  To love truly to someone can require from us to be willing to act with certain violence towards us, to surpass that fear to interfering that feel the majority of the people. 

There are times in which, really, the cowardice and the indolence disguise themselves with the noble vestments of the liberty.  And behind that mask hides the neglection, the desire of not to be implied.  It will not be always easy to distinguish when one must intervene and when one must respect the intimacy and the isolation of the other, it is true.  As that woman said correctly, there is a quite subtle border among the error by an extreme and by the opposite.  It seems as if, in these themes, the path of the success passed dark and deviously among many other roads that conduct it to the failure: some people will have to fight for not falling in the pusillanimity and the loss of nerve; others, on the contrary, will have to put their effort in trying to maintain a little more respectful view of the voluntary isolation from the others. 

The protagonist of our story was one of those people that -according to her own opinion- are left to carry too much by the desire of not resulting authoritarian, of not censuring anything, as if they were repeating constantly:  "We are different and we have to respect our diversity".  She was of that kind of people that think that in order to be beloved they have to elude any trouble, any conflict, and any edge.  There are many times in other situations-in another cases not- in which all that is a lack of identity, a lack of security on almost everything. 

23.  To correspond

"My mother -told me already sometime ago a good father of family- is very absorbent.  And I regret to say that, since we have brought her home, we have begun to have quite a lot of new problems". 

"She is seventy-eight years old and she is quite sick.  And the illness affects her already a little to the head, and she has become quite absorbent, as I told you, not by saying that sometimes -with pardon- she is unbearable". 

"She would like that we were all the day by her side, and she controls us even the hour at which we arrive at home in the afternoon.  She stops never to give her opinion on everything, and the truth is that there are times in which she puts an end to my patience. 

"Some times I think that the best would be that she was in a residence and to leave me free of problems.  But then I get ashamed by recalling everything that she has done for me, before and after I was born.  And I think that I have to correspond to her". 

This is a quite common situation in many homes.  They are circumstances that sometimes become difficult, but we must assume that serenely, as a difficult and at the same time marvelous task, to do happy to our parents in those few years of life that remain to them. 

At times, by their age or by their illnesses, almost already they cannot avoid being like they are.  They want attention, cares and affection.  And at times they act with an invading selfishness that one must know how to manage, with a way to be that perhaps tires us a lot, and then come to our head thoughts that after we see them, we find them incorrect. 

One must think that, when we had six months, or four years, also we were many times boring, unpleasant or capricious.  And sure that more than one time our mother lost a little the nerves and passed through her head the idea that she willingly would have thrown us away.  But, naturally, she didn't do it and here we are. 

You must think that, some years ago, your parents took care of you.  Now the terms have reversed and you have to take care of them.  And do not forget that in not so many years, the terms will reverse again, and will be you of whom someone will have to take care of.  Consider that, taking care of your parents, or of your parents' in-law, aside from complying with a duty of justice and of affection, you are teaching a lot to your children.  Keep preparing you by then and act now as you want that happen with you in the future. 

I have known that, in the days of the beginning or in the days of the end of long weekends or holidays, there is in the hospitals an avalanche of admissions of aged people.  And it is not because those days the grandfathers have some special motive of illness, but because many families want to be get rid of their elderly parents and to pass thus more tranquil the holidays.  I ask me if in those families there will be really tranquility and happiness in the enjoyment of those days of rest, after abandoning thus to whom gave the life to them. 

Those families in which all the brothers ignore, in which to all is absolutely impossible to attend their elderly parents, in which -in the best of the cases- they bear them a few days in each house and with face of displeasure; in those families, is easy that, twenty or thirty years later, the parents expect from their own children a similar treatment during the latest years of life. 

Nevertheless, I have known, by fortune, many other families that have considered a pride to do happy to their already elderly parents, and that have done large efforts to receive them gladly.  That has supposed so many times for them to renounce many exits and to a lot of apparent happiness, but they are happy families and we can predict for them a happy old age, because their children will have seen, like in a practical lesson, how to treat to the own parents when they become old. 

24.  The small crystal in the eye

One of the stories from Andersen begins with the history of a magical mirror built by some evil elves.  The mirror had a curious particularity.  When looking at it, only the unpleasant and bad things were seen, never the good ones.  If it was put in front of the mirror a good person, she was always seen with unpleasant aspect.  And if a good thought passed through the mind of someone, the mirror reflected a sarcastic laughter.  But the worse thing is that the people believed that, thanks to that damned mirror, they could see the things as in reality they were. 

A day, the mirror broke in many pieces, small like particles of invisible dust that were extended upon the entire world.  If one of those small crystals was put in the eye of a person, she began to see all the things under their worst aspect.  And that was what happened to a boy called Kay.  He was a night looking at the window and, suddenly, he rubbed one of his eyelids.  He noted that something had entered into the eyelid.  His friend Gerda, that was with him, tried to clean his eye, but she couldn't see anything. 

Nevertheless, from then, Kay was no longer the same as he used to be.  His character changed drastically.  His games were now different.  They pretended to be very judicious, but his attitude was always critical, acid and distant.  He saw ridiculous all the positive and good things.  He liked to emphasize the bad aspects of all, to underline the defects of all.  And that odious crystal, that so much had changed his way to see the things, went sliding from the eye until arriving at the heart that was chilled as much as his expression, which became a floe of ice.  And then nothing could hurt him any more. 

The boy finished imprisoned in a cold castle, and there he lived, persuaded that it was the best place in the world.  His friend sought for him from a place to another during a year.  She had to surpass many difficulties until, at the end, she founded him.  She saw then how the boy was keep occupied collecting gobbets of ice and composing them with very ingenious designs.  It was the great frozen puzzle of the intelligence. 

Perhaps in the ordinary life something like that has passed to quite a lot of people.  In a determinate moment they change their look.  They began to see all with worse eyes, to put attention always in the negative thing.  They were seduced by a dangerous and murky dialectic that carry them to be lean out to all the abysses.  They think that acting in this way will surpass their previous ingenuousness, and happens with them as to the ones that looked at in that damned mirror: they were sure that now they have a more mature vision, that they see the things just as in reality they are. 

And changing their look, they change also their heart.  They begin to see the people by their defects instead of by their qualities.  They begin to be envious, to think badly and to suffer with the alien successes, to feel themselves victims.  Many of them display that negative vision also on themselves, and that carries them to enlarge their defects, to undervalue and to diminish their qualities. 

After sometime, perhaps they note that this process torments them and consumes them, but it costs a lot to them to control their thoughts.  They know that they would have to manage those ideas that have taken control of their head, but there is something that freezes their memory and their emotions, as happened to Kay during his captivity in the castle. 

To surpass that negative way of looking at the things -that in some measure affects to all of us-, we should understand the wrong thing of that pain, what we have suffered and we have made to suffer vainly, the ungrateful and unjust that we have been with our thoughts.  When we regret truly all that, when we allow the heart to recuperate and we start to see the things with our previous eyes, we will see again the reality just as it is. 

Perhaps the problem is that the heart is already a little cold and barely hurts us, as happened to Kay.  But not for that it doesn't have the need for an arrangement.  This is a difficult but possible change.  In the story, were the tears of Gerda were opening the path to the heart of her friend, that also began to cry, and did it of such a way that the damned crystal left dragged by his tears.  Also to us a friendly hand can help us a lot, a person that surpass the obstacles that are necessary to cause us to understand the sadness of our attitude.  The life is at times hard and difficult, but it is, above all, by that accumulation of prejudices that have entered us through our eyes and that has gone descending to the heart.  And only crying in the soul will cause us to recognize that error and to surpass it. 

25.  People interested in the others

"Thus was my mother -recalled the protagonist of "The Volume of the absence", that great Mercedes Salisachs' novel-.  She declared very infrequently her renunciations sown with affections. 

"Her example was a continuous challenge for my egotistical reactions.  A day, exasperated, I asked her how was it possible that she felt love for the entire world.  Her answer left me puzzled.  She looked at me, amazed, as if I was a being from another planet, and told me:  "My daughter -and she struck with smoothness my front, as if she wanted to awake me-, from where do you take that I always feel that?  The true love is not always felt, it is practiced". 

"She used to tell me:  "To act is the best form to love, daughter.  It is not necessary that you feel love for them -she emphasized-; simply, help them.  You will see how quick you will appreciate them". 

"I contradicted her, and I spoke of people to whom I could not love, and she retorted me:  "When you feel hate towards a person, remember his mother, remember his children or remember any other person that has loved to him as you love to the persons that you appreciate more.  Try to put yourself in his shoes and immediately you will stop hating".  She insisted to me that there is not possibility to love without rejecting the selfishness, without living for the others, and that a life without love towards the others is worse than to live in the darkness." 

The affection to the others, with the generosity and the diligence that always carry implicit, is the main source of peace and of interior satisfaction of any person.  On the other hand, the dynamics of the selfishness or of the laziness conduct always to a dead end of burdens and dissatisfactions.  Therefore, the people with a good level of interior satisfaction use to treat the others with affability. It turns out to be easy for them to understand the limitations and alien weaknesses and rarely are they hard or inclement in their judgments.  But what more characterizes them is that they are people interested in the others.  And this is thus because only in that way the man grows himself and he is enriched truly. 

We must not forget, besides, that even the most material satisfactions need to be shared with others, or at least, they need to be referred to the others.  A person cannot enjoy a pretty house, or a car that has just bought or a new cloth, or his physical beauty, or an academic title, or even a good culture, if he doesn't have around people that look at him with affection, that can be happy and that can enjoy at his side.  If he is not able -or he doesn't want- to share his happiness, sooner or later he will submerge in a deep feeling of sadness and of frustration, because, sooner or later, the face of the selfishness appears with all its ugliness in front of the one that has left it to seize his feelings. 

The man is extolled and fulfilled when he understands his life as a service to the others, like a delivery to noble desires, which have always reference to others.  On the other hand, when he submits to the seduction of the selfishness, it is very easy that the things quick stop to make a sense to him, that they tire him and that they cause him to lose his footing.  The selfishness carries, by its own dynamics, to a childish way to understand the personal happiness that finishes always in the most categorical failure. 

To serve is what more ennobles a man.  To the extent that the moral configuration of a person acquires the fortress and the necessary liberty to offset the natural inertia to the selfishness, that person will manage to endow his life of sense and of interest.  The silencing of the obsession by the own thing, of the tyranny of the hypertrophied desires, of the misery of all the inducements of the selfishness, are ways to eradicate all those small motives of sadness that go around to the sickly self-esteem. 

As Martin Descalzo wrote, who was accustomed to close his soul and his heart to all who surround him, always finishes for having wizened, fossilized and petrified the heart and the soul.  The selfishness has to be paid.  And the one that never loved is condemned to love never and to not to be loved by nobody. 

26.  To give energy to the others

"There are men that fight a day and they are good.  There are others that fight a year and they are better.  There are others that fight many years and they are a lot better.  But there is who fights all the life: those are the indispensable." 

These words of Bertolt Brecht invite us to think about the necessity that all we have of those people  that all we know and that seem never tired, that always are there, that always pull up the ambience in which they are, that are catalysts of all the positive things for those that surround them. 

If we consider it to think, there are quite a lot of people that are thus, that have done natural in their life that emotional stability and that maturity that causes them to be accustomed to pull up the others, passing almost unseen.  They feel occasionally, as all, the temptation to stop doing that discreet and efficient work, they feel at times tired of listen, tired of encouraging, tired of mediate, tired of reconciling…  Nevertheless, who manage to do all that in a natural way and pass to consider that effort as somewhat ordinary, are the people that manage to create and to maintain an environment of work, of optimism, of good understanding among all.  They are those men or women whose influence many times is not valued until the day in which they lack.  And perhaps then it is seen that their role was fundamental, that the positive climate that was around them was fruit of their habit to think about the others, to be not tired of being the consolers of ones and others, to say with affection and loyalty what should be improved, to relax the tension that so many times is created by simple trivialities. 

It recalls me also that old movie of Frank Capra titled "how beautiful is to live", in which the protagonist is desperate and ready to commit suicide, and a nice angel causes him to see the valuable thing that his life has been and how much has it resulted good for a lot people.  To show it to him, he concedes to him the privilege to see what would have happened in the life of some of those people if he hadn't existed and, therefore, he had not been able to help them.  Thanks to that, he recovers the happiness to live and understands everything: that a normal existence can contribute in the life of so many people. 

All we can incorporate to our life that attitude.  Because a kind and conciliator word is easy to pronounce. Nevertheless, sometimes it costs us to pronounce it.  The tiredness stops us, other worries distract us, and a feeling of coldness or of egotistical indifference stops us from doing it.  We pass next to people that we know but barely we look at them to the face and we do not pay attention to those that suffer, and in some cases perhaps they suffer precisely because they feel themselves ignored or little valued by us.  It would suffice a cordial word, an affectionate gesture, and immediately something would awake in them: a sign of attention and of courtesy can be a gust of fresh air in the obscurity of an existence punished just then by the sadness and the discouragement. 

Many times, what impedes that good attitude is our impatience in front of the alien defects.  Perhaps those people that so much exasperate us have objectively those defects that so much annoy to us, but, if we center there too much our attention that will generate in us an anxiety that does not help anything, neither to them neither to us, and can finish in something like an obsession.  Besides, there are so many times in which those defects are not such, but different and legitimate ways to be.  If we are too complaining, perhaps we should gain in inner strength and to strive more in being like those people of which we have already spoken. 

27.  The true love

"He contemplated her youth and her beauty as something that went never to be exhausted".  He didn't understand yet that no love should be supported too much in the beauty.  Why do we refuse to admit that the beauty and the youth are lent fortunes?  Why do we never imagine that what dazzles us today will be able to become the worst of the disaffections in the future? 

"Our wedding was not by love.  It was a wedding by simple infatuation".  Those infatuations that are sensations that cause exchanges of certainties, kisses, hugs and a great quantity of intuitions carry us to the selfishness to believe that we are the owners of the world, with right to imagine you amaze perpetual marvels and a continuous expectation that, when it arrives, leaves us cold.  In that epoch, I didn't know that the infatuation can be simple self-worship, desires to see in the other what we want to see and that, when we imagine what we see all returns to us as attraction, as need to melt our desires to the ones of the person with which we fall in love.  And the fact is that, deep down, what we do is to fall in love with ourselves. 

"We saw that, as an eternity of bucolic novel, with no exemption of nightmares, always sunny, with clear skies, like a flock of little lambs awaiting the wolves, awaiting unexpected changes of humor". 

Thus recall the protagonist of a novel of Mercedes Salisachs the history of the beginning of his marriage.  The history of a deception, of many frustrations and selfishness until coming to understand that most of what attracts to our eyes is only pure appearance, until verifying that the shortcut of the desire leaves almost always a vestige of dissatisfaction, a sad flavor of disillusion.  Eros, that species of Greek little god, messenger of the love, inherited of his parents a contradictory nature that got him rich in desires and poor in results.  That mischievous and playful little god likes to call to our heart through the corporal beauty, and that call seems to us irresistible at times.  Then he gives us concessions that do not give us what they promise, that attract us but that later they fly away. 

To desire another person is not the same as to love her, and the desire, many times, what in reality intends is to utilize, to possess, and to manipulate.  The force of the desire, overloaded in our days by the impulse of the omnipresent erotic messages, does that the imagination, the sensibility, the memory of the today's man be conditioned by an excessive and sickly increase of the power of the desire.  To discover the own wealth of the other person, knowing her and to fall in real love with her, and not simply to desire her, it is needed a not despicable effort.  When the infatuation falls too much in the corporal side, which offers little consistency respect to the future, because the corporal side is the most ephemeral part of the human being, the more inconstant part, the one that more suffers the decline of the passage of the years. 

The true love carries always to an enlargement of the personality, it is happier with the happiness of the other that with his happiness.  It puts to the other as fundamental protagonist of our project of life.  It gets then our liberty compromised, and that always costs, because it signifies the renunciation to many things, because the love acts as a forge where our selfishness and our desires are tempered.  Because there are desires from us that are not compatible with that love, desires that perhaps up till then were good and legitimate but that they now no longer are.  In any love, once the first infatuation has passed, the key of the success is in that painful process of purification of the desires.  It is a matter of hard test, that serves to harden and to mature that relation, that brings out the quality of the material of which we are made, and above all, enlightens the reality of our pledge to improve.  If we cannot pass this test, at the end we will be lovers of ourselves. 

28.  The false compassion

"The dangerous piety" is an interesting novel of Stefan Zweig.  A young Austrian lieutenant is invited to a party.  During the celebration he invites to dance to the daughter of the owner of the mansion, without knowing that the young woman is impeded.  The following day he sends to her some flowers apologizing by the incident and, because of that detail, the girl thinks that the lieutenant has felt in love for her. 

The protagonist of the novel has a noble and good sensibility in front of the alien pain.  He is a man proposed to help to all the people until he can be able.  Any defenselessness demands his interest.  Nevertheless, that good disposition founds suddenly a difficulty.  His desire is to cause not any suffering, of not to disturb, to avoid the alien pain, carries him to prolong the small misunderstanding that had been produced at the party.  In order to avoid that the excited and capricious invalid girl becomes sad, he delays time and again the necessary explanation on his supposed love to her, and he becomes involved little by little in an immense absurd that has increasingly more tragic consequences for him and for those to whom he wanted to avoid any damage. 

All began for a mere and pious not to say the truth, without will or even against his will.  At the beginning, it was not a conscious deceit, but immediately he became entangled, and beginning with a first lie by compassion, he saw that now he had to lie with impenetrable gesture, with convinced voice, as a consummate delinquent that plans each detail of his action and his defense.  For the first time he began to understand that the worse thing of this world doesn't come caused by the wickedness, but almost always by the weakness. 

There are two classes of compassion.  One, the weak one, the sentimental one the one that is not more than the impatience of the heart by being freed as soon as possible of the embarrassing commotion that suffers in front of the alien misfortune; that compassion is not exactly compassion, it is only a setting apart instinctively the alien pain, that cause us our own anxiety.  The other, the true compassion, is determined to resist, to be patient, to suffer and to cause to suffer, if it is necessary, to help truly the people. 

That man had to say something that turned out to be difficult to him, and delayed it time and again.  He prolonged that absurd situation, among others things, because he was flattered by the vanity, and the vanity is one of the strongest impulses in the weak natures, that succumb easily to the temptation of what is seen from outside as admirable or as valiant. 

By false compassion, many times on lie, on deceive, the costly truth is eluded as well as the uncomfortable realities, the responsibilities that bother us.  One may lie to avoid contradiction, to avoid a damage that then returns multiplied; the difficult but urgent truth is eluded to say, although we know that it will not disappear for ignoring it; by false compassion on consent practices or reprehensible situations in the business or in the family, that are not confronted to, in order not damaging to some, even knowing that to tolerate it is a greater damage. 

The false compassion of that young lieutenant converted him in a wretched man that damaged with his weakness, that disturbed and destroyed with his compassion.  As he, all we should do our best analyzing the compassion that in determined moment we feel and to distinguish if it is not concealing, in reality, our selfishness or our weakness.  We should recognize sincerely that to consent and to spoil the children, to spoil to the ones that are under our responsibility, not to require the respect that deserve the rights of the absent (the false compassion use to incline against the ones that do not see us), are occasions in which we sympathize with the others wrongly and we close the eyes to the reality. 

To live responsibly requires, sometimes, disturb to the others.  For example, to educate, to form, supposes always a certain constriction, to contradict, to deny consolations that we would be able to give but that we shouldn't give.  It is certain that we should be flexible, but to give in to the false compassion implies to do damage.  A damage, that perhaps at first sight, doesn't seem such, but that sooner or later returns, with obstinacy, and bigger, more real, less avoidable.